How to Give the Worst Best Man Speech Ever (And, Ahem, How Not To)

Bring the bride to tears, your best friend to hiccups, and knock every other person’s freaking

socks off when you follow these six simple steps for delivering the greatest best man speech,


Step one: Don’t plan ahead so you’re good and nervous. That way, the second your

buddy says I do, you can start to pregame like your college’s biggest rival is about to

step onto the field. (Translation: Drink your face off.)

Step two: If you’re not staggering as you grab the mic from the DJ, you didn’t do step

one right, so grab a shot to gulp on your way up. Once at the front of the room, take a

deep breath and remember: this isn’t a tribute. This is a battle. A battle to determine who

is the most badass, hilarious, self-absorbed best man ever.

Step three: Make sure you tell the story of that time in Amsterdam, circling the clock

tower (or was the clock tower circling you?) on magic mushrooms. Bonus points for

describing the various women you cat-called and anything that took place in a bathroom.

Step four: Mention an ex-girlfriend of his. Like the one who wore a cheerleading outfit

everywhere, even though she wasn’t a cheerleader (or making an ironic statement - it’s

just what she “felt most comfortable” in).

Step five: To make sure your speech is awkwardly long, ramble. Say “I love you man!”

more than once. If you lose your train of thought, don’t worry. Fill in the space by yelling,

“The bridesmaids mostly look great!”

Step six: Mic drop. It never fails to be a classic way to propose a toast. Now sit back and

enjoy the accolades.

You’ve caught on that we’re kidding by now, right? We’re sure you’ve seen this speech

before, but that doesn’t mean you should emulate it for your friend’s wedding celebration. This

sort of speech is not only avoidable but should indeed be avoided (at all costs even).

All that ribbing, roasting, and debauchery you may really want to mention? Don’t. Really. Even if

it sounds funny in your head, and it’s really “you,” remember that this is a formal occasion where

dearest friends and family have gathered to celebrate the love between two people, not

reminisce about that time the groom dry-heaved himself to tears in the back of that gypsy cab.

Instead, giving a speech that is planned, practiced, and well-executed will present you - and

hence your friend-groom - as decent, respectable humans to this large group of people who are

eager to raise their champagne flutes. Which is way more important on this particular day, trust


So how do you actually give the best best man speech? Well, we’ve got a simple six-step guide

for how to put together, from start to finish, an awesome best man speech that will have people

shaking your hand, clapping your shoulder, and (most importantly) not grimacing while you


1. Give yourself a few weeks - if not a month or two - to write your speech.*

Great speeches rarely write themselves on the spot, unless you’re a Toastmasters

regular. You’ll want plenty of time to write a first draft, then a second draft, then a third

draft (yes, this is normal for good writing).

Do not necessarily use the first thing that comes out of your pen - instead, write

something without judgment, let it sit for a day or two, then return to it and work on it

again. You’ll have new thoughts and ideas. Repeat this process.

2. Present your friend in a positive light (and don’t embarrass his bride!).  

Remember how protective of your now-married pal you felt when he started dating that

lovely lady in white? Channel that feeling - the one that made you worry he’d get his

heart broken (he didn’t! Winning!), the part of you that deeply cares about your buddy’s

health, well-being, and happiness.

When you write from the more emotional side of your friendship, the speech will be

heartfelt, sincere, and much more “you.” 

Pro tip: Topics you might want to touch on include reasons your friend will make 

a good husband (back it up with examples!), why the bride is lucky to be

marrying him, and what love means to the couple.

And remember, just because you’re not roasting the guy doesn’t mean this can’t have a

bit of humor. Add in a few funny (but mostly innocent) anecdotes here and there to keep

the mood light and the audience smiling.

3. As you edit, consider length - and keep it around five minutes.

Five minutes, plus or minus two, is the average length of a good best man speech.

Going under three minutes can feel a bit abrupt to guests, and going over seven is

frankly, well, boring.

Note, however, that if you are extremely nervous about speaking in front of a crowd, or

there is some other reason you’re set on keeping things brief, too short is better than too

long. Stay within your capabilities to make sure you’re as cool, calm, and collected as


In order to make sure you stay within an acceptable time limit, keep word count in mind.

Most people read at around 150 words per minute - which means you want to write a

450-1050 word speech.

4. Ever heard the joke, “How do you get to Carnegie Hall?”

The answer is practice, practice, practice. And that’s just what you should do. Here’s


  •  About a week before the wedding day, print your speech out, stand up, and read it 

out loud to yourself. Keep a pen handy - you’ll assuredly find places where you want

to change the wording up a bit.

  • Make the changes on your computer, print the speech out again, and read it out loud 

          the next day - this time to a trusted friend or partner. Make sure you have a pen

          handy again, and ask for their feedback.

 With five days before the wedding, you should have finalized text ready to rock and

roll. Print your speech out in the font size and on the paper you plan to use during

the wedding. Run through your speech at least once a day.

5. While practicing, pay attention to your body language.

There’s a little more to a good speech than just good words. Decent public speakers

slow their usual speaking cadence so they can be understood, look up from their page to

pan the audience, and don’t fidget.

Keep these thoughts in mind as you practice (and of course, ask a friend for feedback on

this, too!).  

6. Do not have more than one drink before you give your speech.

Giving a best man speech is like a mullet. It’s business in the front - before the speech -

and party in the back - after it’s done. Drink your face off after your speech. If you’re

nervous, try taking a few deep breaths, having a sip of water, and stepping into the

bathroom for a moment alone.

But wait, there’s more… see below for a bonus seventh step!

7. Ok, the big question: is it ok to read from a paper or card (or cell phone) when giving a

speech? The answer: heck yes.

It is so much more important that you feel confident, prepared, and that you get it right

(by reading off your prepped and practiced piece of paper) than it is for you to be all

President-of-the-United-States memorized. (And, actually, even the commander-in-chief

is reading from a dang teleprompter, he’s gotta stay on message too!)

Remember, if you practice beforehand, you won’t be stumbling over the words you’ve

prepared, and having them in front of you will simply ensure smooth sailing.

Now, go forth, speak of appropriately bromantic things, and give one heck of a best man


  • Stuck on where to start? Consider this outline: 

I. Introduce yourself, state how you know the groom, and say something nice about

the bride.

II. Try to open the audience’s eyes to the groom YOU know - talk about your

friendship and what he was like before meeting his bride.

III. Discuss what the groom was like after meeting his bride. How did he change?

What was he like in love?  

IV. Wrap up with either advice, or a short discussion of what love can do for people.

V. Toast!

Thanks for our friends at Vow Muse for their help in putting this article together. Vow Muse is a team of two professional writers -- Alicia Ostarello and Angie Sommer -- who have been helping people all over the world craft the perfect vows, speeches, and ceremonies since 2010. Find them in a San Francisco coffee shop, or, more easily, online at